|
I woke up. I always imagined coming back to life must be like this. I felt like I was being born. The pain was gone. I swung my feet out of bed to the floor and sat up. No pressure in my chest, no overwhelming urge to lie back down, no tears. The blackness in me was a bit less.. not a lot, but enough to let me bypass the sinking feeling of being tethered to my shoe//tethered to you. I hadn't seen the sun in two weeks. I stood and walked to the window. My legs were shakey. The light hurt my eyes. As my vision adjusted to the light I put my hand against the wall and lay my forehead against the cool glass. More than glass divides me from everything else. I don't fit, I don't belong. No amount of changing myself will change that. With you I felt... like I was starting to belong. Without you I feel... like the last thin thread holding me to the rest of the world gave way and let me fall. It's a long fall with plenty of time to think. It's a very long fall. I closed my eyes. I forgot how to be alone. I opened my eyes. I looked at a piece of paper in the grass outside my window. It might have been pink at one time. Now it was weather faded and in danger of disintegrating. Like me. Maybe I do belong somewhere. Maybe like that paper, I belong to the discarded items of the world. Was it my fate to be someone's trash? I put some pants on and walked to the door. Pushing my feet into my shoes I opened the door and stepped outside, squinting still. I broke my last tether. © 2003, h e a t h . h o u s t o n |